Because of You

Because of you, I am better than you;
Because of you, I will not allow myself to fail;
Because of you, I will allow my children to see that at times I am weak, they will see the strength and honesty in that.
You taught me at a young fragile age what disappointment was and the pain of being let down. Even though as an eight year old girl sitting silently on the couch with my backpack of clothes clinging to the hope that you might just show up this time, I didn’t understand, I get it now. You were put in my life to show me what not to do. I learned how to love from those who lifted me back up each time you let me down. I learned from you how I never wanted to make another human being feel, especially my children.
You have come in and out of my life at your leisure. You have stolen from me, used me, and stomped on a heart that never had anything but love for you. You have never grown up. When you need a hand out you call. If I can give it to you you love me, when I can’t you are pissed and I feel guilty. Either way it goes I know I won’t hear from you for six months or a year or until the next time you need something. Although, every time you call me I am so happy to hear your voice and there is still a childish hope deep inside that maybe things will be different.
Every time I hear of a body found near the area where I think you live I worry it might be you. See I don’t have an address for you or a phone number. All I know is the general area.
I know I have shown you in a bad light here, but really what I want to do is to thank you for being such an awful mother. I had a wonderful father and a grandmother who loved me. They taught me compassion, care and respect. They made sure I took the right path in life. And you, well you made sure I didn’t take the wrong one. I guess in the end it worked out because you showed me what I never wanted to become. You showed me what feeling unloved by your mother feels like. So, in the end I am actually very greatful for having you for a mother because there was absolutely no way in hell I would travel the same path as you in life. Even though you don’t know it you helped to mold me into the person I am and steer me down the road to success. Thanks for being a rotten mom. Because of you I am strong. Because of you I am not a failure. Because of you I will never let my children down. Because of you I am better than you.